Don't Assume!

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver,

so is a word skillfully spoken."

Proverbs 25:11

Marriage is tough. Whoever told you otherwise was lying to you.

It's almost as if men and women live in alternate universes. We women live in orderly, organized, rational, emotion-driven worlds and the men live in chaotic, disorganized, spotaneous worlds driven by testoserone.

Now, to all of you men and women out there who are the complete opposite of the citizens of this world, my apologies. You are exempt from this comparison. As for the rest of you, read on...

I think our biggest problem as women is that we assume too much. We assume that since the garbage is overflowing, he'd wrap it up and take it out to the trash can. We assume that since the dirty dishes are stacked a mile high, that he'd wash them or simply load them into the dishwasher. We assume that since you've had a very long, very exhausting day (whether you worked at the office or stayed at home refereeing your lunatic kids) that he'd see the weariness in your face and say: "Honey, here, have a seat. Let me give you a foot rub. I'll take care of dinner tonight and get the kids into bed. Don't worry, love. I got this."

But you know what they say about people who assume....

Now before you guys log off my blog, I just want to clarify that the purpose of this blog is not to guy-bash. Even you perfect guys out there have to admit that there are some of you who have a permanent "DUH?" stamped on their foreheads and just don't get it.

Which leads me to my point.

Because our husbands and boyfriends often don't have a clue, we as women need to start giving them one. Stop assuming that because you've been with him for ten years, he knows your every thought without you even having to voice it out loud. Stop believing that he because he's such a highly educated man with a doctorate degree hanging in on his office wall, that he'll know exactly what it is that you need and want at precisely the right moment. For those of you whose hubbies are like that, kudos to you! But for the rest of the women on the planet, I say, it's time to find your voice.

Speak! Talk! Stop assuming and start telling. If you don't want to do the dishes because it's like the thirteenth time today, tell him. Don't just pick up the sponge and mutter underneath your breathe about how inconsiderate he is. If you're feet are aching and he's just sitting there like a zombie in front of the TV watching Sunday night football, go over to him, put your feet on his lap, and ask him to give you a foot rub. He'll probably be more than happy to (especially since you didn't turn off the TV).

And yes, when you've finally completed the twenty-fifth task on your To-Do list and hit that bed at the end of a particularly stressful and exhausting day and he dares -- dares! -- to tap you on the shoulder and give you that "knowing" look he gives you -- instead of screeching at him that now-famous line from Grey's Anatomy: "Seriously? Seriously?!" talk to him. A simple "Sorry, honey. I'm exhausted. If you  helped me out around the house a bit more I probably wouldn't be so tired at the end of the day. But tonight, I'm going to sleep" will do. You don't have to give in just because it's one of the things on your To-Do list. (Because then it becomes like another chore and trust me, you never want that part of your marriage to feel like a chore or an obligation.) Just tell him how you feel. He might not have had a clue. Or maybe tomorrow he'll take over and wash those nasty dishes and put those crazy kids of yours to bed for you while you lounge in your room with a cup of tea and a good book. (Ahh...every mother-with-small-children's fantasy...)

Look, the Bible puts it pretty clearly. Ephesians 4:29 tells us that "we must not let no unwholesome word come out of your mouth, but only what is beneficial for the building up of the one in need..." In this case, your spouse is the one in need, the need to understand you and what you want.

Now, understand that this is not permission for you to curse and yell and screech at your husband because he just doesn't get it. What it means is that you need to talk to him. Can you be angry? Yes. Impatient? Uh...we're only  human. You might even use a different tone of voice. (Mine is that stern, teacher-like voice I used to use on my students.) Heck, it's a lot better than cursing or yelling.

The point of all of this is that you need to speak up. Talk. Let him know. And please, don't write him a letter. I can't tell you how many times I've heard that before. It's so high school. We're adults now. For Pete's sake, this is the person you married and had children with! Talk to him. Explain things to him clearly and with short, simple sentences. (No offense guys, but I know that when women start rambling, you guys automatically just tune off and only hear a quarter of what she just said.) Tell him that you want him to please do the dishes after dinner. Ask him to please take out the garbage on your way out to work in the mornings. Tell him you'd like to alternate days when it comes to getting the kids ready for bed. And tell him that watching six hours of Sunday football is just not acceptable when the house looks like a locomotive just ran through it. (He might think it looks just fine!)

Ladies, let's be real. Men and women will always live in alternative universes. It's our genetic make-up that makes us such different emotional and intellectual beings. But it doesn't mean you have to suffer through their lack of understanding in silence. You're not a martyr. And trust me, nobody gets a prize at the end of twenty-five years for simply "sucking it up." You need to speak up. Talk. Verbalize your needs and wants to him.  A simple: "We need to talk." is better than ranting and raving to your girlfriends about how much of a neandrathal he is.

Assume that he knows what you want or need and you're in for a long and bitter ride. Tell him what you need and want and then everyone is on the same page. Who knows? It might even motivate him to move into your world.

At least for a little while.