Bible Verse of the Day:
"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love.
Honor one another above yourselves."
Romans 12:9-10 (NCV)
Most of us were taught as kids (hopefully) to respect our elders, to respect our parents, to respect our teachers. As we got older we got involved in boy-girl relationships and at some point probably fell in love, got married, maybe had some kids. Did this idea of "respect" transfer over to your marriage, too? Oh, you didn't know that you have to respect your spouse? Uh...duh. Of course you do! Love is great, but a relationship in which there is no respect is going to need some serious help down the line!
Let's look at the word: respect. What does it really mean? No, it's not about him doing everything you want him to do. It's not about turning your wife into your unquestioning slave. To respect means to hold in high esteem, to honor, to show regard for, to show consideration for. In a nut shell, to respect your spouse is to treat them the way you would want to be treated -- and then multiply that by ten!
When you talk to your wife, do you yell? Do you curse in your conversations? When you argue, do you get nasty and bring up all the sins of her past and rub them in her face?
When you go out with the girls, do you flirt with other men? Do you deface him (another word for dog, dis, criticize, tear-up) to your friends? To your family? To your kids? Do you constantly criticize and be-little him, reminding him of how he's not living up to your standards of what a "real" man should be?
If you do any of these things, then you are not respecting your spouse. And that's not what God intends should happen between a husband and a wife.
To those of you who are not married yet, you need to understand something. Love is not lust. Love is not infatuation. There is no such thing as love at first sight. Love is about a choice. And marriage is about making continuing choices. If you see a girl and think she is just so incredibly hot and you just have to have her (remember, this is a Christian blog so I'm talking about "having" her in the "I'm going to marry her" sense, not what you're dirty little mind is thinking!) or you see a guy and he's sexy and smart and he is just absolutely the perfect catch --- STOP! Pull on that emergency brake! Before you go any further, ask yourself some serious questions...
How long have you dated this person? Have you met their families? Have you had arguments and if so, how does he/she handle them? Have you talked about his morals, his values, what his or her dreams are for the future? Do they mesh with yours? Do you have the same belief system? What's your view on children? Does she have children from a previous relationship? How does that dynamic play out? Where does she want to live? What are her hobbies? Does she have expensive taste? What are his finances like? Is he responsible with money? I mean, people, the list goes on and on and on! These are the questions you need to ask yourself BEFORE you get married, not after. You need to get past how good her big, J-Lo butt looks in those shorts and how hot his bulging muscles look in that tight T-shirt and start doing some research on whether or not that person would prove to be a good spouse!
Trust me, ladies, those washboard abs will eventually grow soft and flabby and guys, those perky breasts of hers aren't going to be so perky after a baby or two. Looks will eventually fade. The lust will cool down. The "newness" of being with him will not seem so new after a couple of years. So you'd better make sure there's more to your relationship that just the superficial. When you're on the prowl, looking for a potential spouse, you need to make sure you are asking the right questions. Girls, you don't need a man with fancy titles and a fat wallet. What you need is a partner, someone you can lean on, trust, someone who is supportive and caring and sensitive and can take care of you -- all of you. Guys: you don't need a super-model. What you need is someone you can honor, hold in high esteem, show regard for and consideration for. And someone who can do the same for you.
What you both need is a relationship based on love, trust and yes, respect.
So now that you're married, how can you show your spouse that you respect them? Well, here's a short list of things you can do.
1. Both women and men need love, but men crave respect, too. Respect for who they are, what they do, their ability to take care of you and their family. Remind him that you value his contribution to your family unit. Tell him that you understand how important his job is and that you respect it. If he's not taking care of you the way he should, set aside some time and talk to him about ways that you can both work on that. Don't criticize, don't be-little, don't embarrass him, don't put him down and make him feel like a loser (even if he is). That's not going to get you anywhere. Solomon tells us in the book of Proverbs that "a gentle tongue is like a tree of life" but that "a backbiting tongue brings an angry face." Remember, when you speak, make sure that it is to build up, not tear down.
2. Respect your spouse by making sure you take care of their reputation. In other words, be careful who you talk to when you're dogging him! Talking to everyone at work about how he forgot your anniversary or telling your mom how much of a witch she is, only shows the world how little you respect each other. Reading down the list of his faults and mistakes to your friends and family is only going to make him look terrible in their eyes and probably create tension between them, tension that will remain long after you two kiss and make up. There's usually two sides to a story (or an argument) and they are only hearing one side -- yours. It's not fair to him because he can't defend himself and your friends/family will judge him based solely on all the negative stuff you've just spewed out from your filthy mouth. (Pssst! It's also called gossip! Proverbs 26:20 says: "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down... " Get it? Good.) And arguing in front of others is never good, either, so don't do it. That's a sure-fire way to destroy somebody's repuation, both personally and professionally -- so no ghetto-fabulous drama please!
Now, I'm not saying you can't talk to anyone, but when you do, make sure it's a mentor-type person to you (a long-time friend, a wise and discerning parent, a counselor), someone who has the best interest of your marriage and your relationship as a whole, someone who can look at the entire situation and give positive feedback, and yes, someone who is impartial enough to even tell you when you were the one who was wrong.
To take this particular step a bit further, challenge yourself to not say anything negative about your spouse for two weeks. To no one, not even to yourself! Then, make it a point to say good things about him, to him and to others. Tell him how thoughtful you think he was when he send his mom flowers for her birthday. Brag to your co-workers about how you have the best husband in the world because he rubs your feet at night while you watch TV. Tell your mom how lucky you are that you married a guy who is such a great dad (while he's standing right there). Do this for two weeks and see how it changes your view of him, and how he thinks you view him, too.
3. Remain Faithful. There's nothing that denotes a total lack of respect than someone who flirts and cheats with others. When you married your wife you stood on that altar (or before the minister dressed like Elvis Presley in Vegas) and you promised to honor and cherish her. When you're scoping out that hot chick from the office or flirting with the moms at the playground, you are doing neither. Keeping true to your vows is a huge part of respecting your spouse. The 7th Commandment says: Do not commit adultery (adultery is just an old-fashioned word for cheating). Even though cheating might be looked up as "not a big deal," in our society, it is a big deal to God. In fact, Solomon tells us in Proverbs 6:32 that a man (or woman) who commits a adultery "destroys himself." Why so harsh? Because when you cheat, you risk losing it all, not just your relationship with your wife. You risk losing your children, your home, your reputation, maybe even some clients at work. You risk losing the respect of your family and friends (at least, those who have morals), you risk happiness (especially once the "lust" for that other person wears off -- and trust me, it will), and yes, you even risk losing your soul.
Oh, you didn't know? 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says it pretty clearly: "...Do not be fooled! Those who sin sexually, worship idols, take part in adultery, those who are male prostitutes, or men who have sexual relations with other men, those who steal, are greedy, get drunk, lie about others, or rob—these people will not inherit God's kingdom...." So if you are a cheater (guy or gal) and you don't repent of your sin, then you will not be visiting those pearly gates when you die. (Hey, I didn't make up the rules -- God did!) If that's not reason enough to stay away from cheating, I don't know what is!
So respect your mate, cherish them. Make them feel safe and protected, loved and honored. Praise them when they do right and be gentle with them when they don't. (Remember, no one is perfect, not even you!) Guard their reputation and keep that wagging tongue of yours in check. Instead, brag about his good qualities (and let him hear you brag!) Also, remember your vows. Remain true and faithful to your spouse in all things. Don't flirt with others, don't fantasize about them, don't put yourself in a situation where you might fall into temptation. The Bible says we must flee from sexual sin so when you think you might be in a bad situation, flee! Run! As fast as the Road Runner! (Beep! Beep!) And don't put yourself in another situation like that again. If you do, you'll lose much more than your family, you'll destroy your whole life!
Remember, you are a team. It's not about you and what you want, it's not about what's in it for me. Not anymore. You're part of a we now. You have someone else to think about. Someone else whose feelings and wants and desires and fears and vulnerabilities are in your hands. You wield a lot of power.
Just make sure that you use it wisely.
Check out this video from the Christian group, Sanctus Real. It's called "Lead Me" and in it, the guy is asking the Lord to help him lead his family the right way, and to give him the strength to do it, even when he doesn't have any left, because they all depend on him. A real tear-jerker. (The official video can be found on You Tube.)
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