Bible Verse of The Day:
"Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer..."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 (New Living Translation)
---------------------------------------------------------Teamwork. That word gets thrown around a lot. You hear it at work all the time: You gotta be a team player. Or Great teamwork, guys! You hear it at school in reference to sports and group projects. You have to work as a team, class. Or There's no "I" in team.
I've heard the phrases before and most of the time I just roll my eyes. Whatever.
Truly, I hate working in groups. It's just not my thing. The way I figure, if I screw up, well, then, there's only me to blame. But if I do a great job, then all the credit goes to me, too. Yay! I'm the hero of the day! Who wants to share the spotlight with somebody who didn't pull his own weight? "Not me," I say as I kick the unfortunate sop to the curb with my high-heeled boot.
But that attitude doesn't get you very far when you're in a relationship. You don't have to get along with the people at work (although you'll be pretty darn miserable). You don't have to sign up for that particular committee or volunteer to coach your kid's sports team. But if you think you're going to be able to hack it through your marriage on your own, good luck.
'Cause it ain't gonna work.
I have learned that lesson the hard way. I've been married for 18 (very long) years. And throughout that (very long) time I've had to recognize that my lone-ranger attitude when it came to work and my personal life just wasn't going to work when it came to my marriage. (Did I mention I've been married for a very long time?)
You see, when you get married you stop being Susan or Eddie or Juan or whatever your name is. The Bible says that you and your new spouse become "as one." You are now a team. A group. A duo. A deuce. You no longer work as I or me or you. The two of you are now a couple, a we.
And if you love your hubby and/or want to stay married to that sexy wife of yours, then you need to listen up.
5 Things You Need to Do To Go From Being a Member of the A-Team to a We-Team
1. Communicate
I know, I know. You've heard this one like a million times already. But I just can't stress it enough: marriage is about communication. If you can't communicate with your spouse the right way, it's just not going to work! By communication I don't mean yelling, arguing, cursing, and putting each other down. I know a lot of you out there do that and I'd like you to ask yourself: does it work? (Be honest now!) What I mean is being able to effectively talk to each other, to discuss what's bothering you, to speak words without spite or meanness or the intent to hurt. And without cursing.
Let's talk about that for a second. Having grown up in the South Bronx, I know a lot about the power of a dirty mouth. You grow up with the f-word as part of your vocabulary because it's part of the culture, part of the slang, a rite of passage of sorts that means you are now officially "in" with the big kids, the tough guys, the cool chicks. Saying the word makes you feel strong, empowered. It puts emphasis on your anger or your hurt. It relays a message that is strong and that no other word can truly match. And when you're arguing with your spouse, you throw it out there at the end of every sentence because darnit, you're pissed!
But ask yourself this: would you curse at your mom? (If you do, well, maybe this particular post is not the right one for you.) If the answer is no, then answer my next question: why not? Ahhh...because it's disrespectful you say? So in other words, it's not okay to curse while you're talking to your mother because it's disrespectful, but it's okay to curse at your spouse? I didn't think so! So first things first -- go and wash out that dirty mouth of yours and talk like the intelligent, educated human being that God made you to be.
Okay, so getting back to the issue of communicating. If you have an issue that's upsetting you, talk about it -- do not (and I repeat: do not) keep it bottled up inside. If you absolutely hate the way he talks about your sex life (or lack thereof) to his buddies, tell him. If you can't stand the way she spends money as if it's water falling from the sky, tell her. Keeping things bottled up will only lead you to erupt like a volcano later on. (And trust me, it's only a matter of time before that lava starts spewing out all over the place. I mean, you're only human, right?)
It's okay to be mad. Heck, it's even okay to be really pissed. What's not okay is to be hurtful. To wound. So talk about your problem, whatever it is, when it first begins to bother you. Don't harbor it because guess what? It'll only turn into resentment. Then you start tallying up all the bad things he does and before you know it, you're whipping out that list like Santa on Christmas Eve and going completely postal on him before he can even figure out it ain't December.
The Bible says in Proverbs 12:18 that "reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." So think before you speak, speak it when it's still relevant (not two months later) and then speak only with the purpose of fixing what's wrong.
When you finally do decide to talk to each other, make sure you're picking a time that's conducive to talking. Don't bombard him as soon as he gets home from work. Don't harrass her when she's right in the middle of grading papers. And don't try to talk while the kids (if they are under 12) are still awake. (According to the Law of Life with Kids, whenever you have to start something that requires your undivided attention, they will interrupt you -- at least five times.) Wait until they are in bed. Wait until after dinner. Wait until you are alone in the car or are having coffee on an early Saturday morning. And do me a favor: turn off the cell phone! Unplug the land line! Hide the remote control and log off of your Facebook account! We like to talk about the kids being a distraction, but I think we do a pretty good job at distracting ourselves, too.
Before you roll up your sleeves and start, you might want to take a moment to pray first. I can't tell you how many times I've had to go into another room and pray that God keep my anger in check before I sat down to discuss what was bothering me. How I've had to ask the Lord to be present as the "moderator" of our upcoming debate. To give me the right words and check my attitude. (Hey, I'm Latina and when Latinas get mad, they have plenty of attitude!) So if you have a fiesty temper, check it. At the door. If you can't do it on your own, then pray that God will give you the self-control that you need.
Now notice I didn't say that I've prayed so that God can make things go my way. That's not the point of communicating. You have to be prepared to listen, too. The Bible tells us in Proverbs 17:28 that "even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." In other words: be prepared to listen. Communication is a two way street but I'm not going to be much help in resolving the problem if I don't let the other party speak, too. I mean, what if he feels the same way you do? He can't stand the fact that he's never home because he works such long hours, either. Or what if he's able to come up with a solution that you -- in your frustration and anger -- wouldn't have been able to come up with? (Like asking his boss for a different shift instead of just quitting his job like you originally wanted him to. Or him coming up with the idea of giving the kids a bath while you pay the bills.)
So remember: Keep your language clean -- no curse words, no hurtful words, no meanness. Pick an appropriate time -- one that's good for both of you. Pray -- before and after your discussion. Be prepared to listen, compromise and yes, even admit when you're wrong.
In Ephesians 4:29, the Bible tells us that we should not "let any unwholesome talk come out of our mouth, but only what is helpful for building others up." Learning to communicate is essential in making your marriage not just work, but succeed. But it's even more important to learn how to communicate. Just like everything else in life, there's a right way and a wrong way.
Make sure you're doing it God's way.
---------------------------------
Next Post:...Part 2: Lying & Cheating
No comments:
Post a Comment